The Personal Compliment: What You Notice About Someone

A personal compliment is about who someone is. It's the kind kids learn as "I Notice You!", and that's exactly what it says: I see you.

For a lot of people, being truly seen is the rarest thing of all.

Two kinds of noticing

Personal compliments come in two kinds:

• On the outside: how someone looks, their style, their smile. These are quick and sweet, like finding a piece of candy.
• On the inside: who someone is: their kindness, patience, courage, humor, how they make people feel. These are the ones that stick, like sunlight helping a plant grow.

Both are good. The inside ones last longer.

From easy to a little harder

Easy: notice something you can see.

• "That color is perfect on you."
• "I love your laugh. It fills up the room."
• "Your garden always looks so happy."

A little harder: notice a habit.

• "You always remember people's names. It makes everyone feel welcome."
• "You're the first one to offer help every single time."

Harder: notice who they are and how they make people feel.

• "You are so patient with new people. Everyone feels safe asking you questions."
• "You notice when someone goes quiet and you bring them back in. People feel safe around you."
• "You're braver than you give yourself credit for. I watched you speak up when nobody else would."

The harder ones take a little more attention. You have to actually watch people and notice the good in them. And once you start looking for the good in people, you'll find it everywhere.

How to notice more

• Watch what they do when nobody's asking. That's character.
• Notice a change. The quiet one who spoke up. The friend who's been working on something.
• Notice how others react to them. If people relax around someone, tell them.
• Ask yourself: what would I miss if they weren't here? Then tell them that.

At home and in love

Personal compliments are the heartbeat of a relationship. On a date, "You have a great smile" is nice, but "You really listen. I feel like I could tell you anything" is the one they'll remember. Tell your partner what you love about who they are, not just how they look. Tell your kids who they're becoming: "You have such a kind heart."

At work

At work, personal compliments are powerful, but go easy on the visual ones, and never comment on someone's body, weight or attractiveness, whatever you mean by it. Lean on character instead:

• "You stay steady when everything's on fire. It calms the whole team down."
• "You make every customer feel like they're the only one in the room."

Leaders who learn to read people by their face, their energy and changes from their normal can spot who needs a kind word before they ever say a thing. One sincere sentence can turn someone's whole day around.

Try it

Pick one person and find something on the inside to compliment: their kindness, their patience, their courage.